Love, the driving force: a journey of discernment

Summer in the city

A good friend from Ottawa came to visit last weekend and we had a great time exploring the city together. We went to the Beaches, took the ferry over to Toronto Island, and ended the day with a delicious dinner (and decadent chocolate cake for dessert) and a play: Titanic: The Musical. It was a wonderful way to start the summer! As usual when I’m having fun, I generally forget to take pictures. But here are a few from when I managed to remember I was lugging my camera around.

At the Beaches

My destiny! (in the amusement park on Toronto Island)

The Abbey is on TV!

Daily Mass is now being filmed at the Loretto Abbey Chapel! Today is the first day that the Mass is being broadcast. You can watch it on Vision TV and on YouTube and see our beautiful chapel. I’ve never actually watched a Mass on tv but I’m thinking I may have to start just so I can see the sisters on tv!

For the past six weeks, we have had technical crews in and out of the Abbey, working industriously to adapt one of the chapel sacristies into a control room. They’ve installed a new sound system and new lighting. In the last week they installed rather expensive looking video cameras, one mounted just below the second floor balcony, and two roaming cameras in the sanctuary area. It has been very impressive to see how quickly they’ve worked.

Filming started on Tuesday. Two Masses are filmed each day on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. One at 4pm and the second at 5pm. Daily Mass for the sisters has now moved from a morning Mass to two in a day for those that wish to participate! So far I haven’t arrived home in time to attend one of the Masses but I’ll try to sneak in sometime and look my holiest, just in case the camera picks me out of the congregation. 😉

Provincial Assembly 2015

Last weekend our community held its annual Provincial Assembly. All members of the Canadian Province were invited to the Abbey to discuss the Calls (outcomes) that emerged from the Institute-wide General Congregation (GC) that took place in Spain last September. The General Congregation marked the end of the term of the past General Council in Rome, and the election of a new General Council and mandate. The Calls are what form the mandate for the next 8 years. The Calls from GC14 are:

Reclaim the freshness of the Gospel, allowing Jesus to transform our lives.

Bring those forced to live in poverty to the centre of our life and ministry.

Go where the need is greatest.

Live sustainably, discerning what is enough.

Create the oneness that moves us across boundaries.

I attended the day and a half long event with eagerness and excitement. Since I am still a candidate and not a fully professed member of the Institute, I felt very privileged to be able to participate and share my thoughts. The table discussions were very rich.

There was a significant focus on the first call – a real excitement to rediscover the gospel message, begin Mary Ward Circles (prayer circles) for gospel reflection, and look more closely at the New Evangelization. Everyone agreed that Call 1 is the foundation for the rest of the Calls and paramount to the life of the Institute.

Through our discussions on poverty and sustainable living, I learned in more detail about some of the ministries undertaken by individual sisters, the gifts and strengths of the Institute in Canada, as well as the challenges it is facing. There is much that can be done and I sensed a great desire among the sisters to carry these Calls out into action.

I was very impressed by the openness and candour of the discussions. Certainly, there are many challenges ahead facing this ageing community, but I was struck by the hope and optimism that coloured our conversations, and the trust that God will always provide what is needed. At the end of the Assembly, I felt very much that I had just been part of a family gathering. My experience at the Assembly was for me another confirmation from God that this is where I am meant to be.

Meeting Sr. Cyril

Image taken from: http://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/1999/09/03/september-3-1999-mother-teresas-legacy/2847/

Sr. Cyril Mooney, ibvm visited us at Loretto Abbey for a couple of weeks in May and June. I had heard a lot about her from the sisters here, about her work in India and her gregarious personality, so I was very keen to meet her.

She travelled to the U.S to receive an honourary doctorate from St. Michael’s College in Burlington, Vermont before coming to Canada. Her work to educate children in India has been recognized through a number of awards and honours.

Even from the short time that I spent in her company, I could see that Sr. Cyril is a force to be reckoned with. Very determined and focused, she has spent much of her life trying to alleviate the struggles of the poor in India through education. She taught and was principal at Loreto Sealdah school in Calcutta, and implemented a number of innovative programs there. The school caters to children from both poor and wealthy areas of Calcutta, but because the girls all wear uniforms there is no distinction between them. In the school they are equals.

The girls are taught to bear responsibility for others and actually help to teach the “Rainbow Children” (the children from the streets who come to the school for classes and who also receive food and shelter). What I also found fascinating was the outreach she and her students do to help children that are involved in domestic labour and are unable to attend school. The students go around to homes where they suspect that children are being used as domestic servants and use a variety of methods, including asking the children to come out to play, to try to put an end to the practice. Children are empowered to help other children in need and to realize their right to education and grow to their full potential. I really think this is amazing.

But what struck me most about Sr. Cyril, even more than her many accomplishments and innovative practices, was her obvious deep love for the children she works with. It was plain to see that it is this love that has motivated her and has kept her working so hard throughout her life. It was beautiful to witness and deeply inspiring.

the month is whizzing by

My goodness, it has been quite a while since my last blog post – time for an update!

First things first, I guess. I survived the assessment at Southdown. It actually went really well. While I hadn’t been looking forward to the experience, thinking it would be invasive and perhaps unsettling, it was, in fact, very gentle. There were certainly some uncomfortable moments, relating more difficult memories and events from the past, but overall I found it a positive experience. I think because it was focused on preparing me for the future – for the novitiate that is coming up, as well as for my life, in general, as part of a religious community, it felt purposeful and not an unnecessary delving into the past.

The process was definitely thorough. I filled out a stack of questionnaires and forms and I met with several specialists. To be truthful, I don’t think I really learned anything new about myself (I am pretty aware of my behaviours and attitudes), but I feel like the assessment was a confirmation of what I know and it helped to outline some useful supports for moving forward.

I think what impressed me most about my stay at Southdown was the sense of community I felt, even during that short time. The staff were all very professional and supportive, but I was really struck by the collegiality and concern of the residents. Many of them were very open about their treatment programs and offered kindly advice. I felt immediately welcomed by them, and they encouraged me as I set about filling out my forms, rooting for me as the stack began to dwindle. It was also very touching to celebrate Mass with them, men and women who recognized their brokenness and were actively working on healing. The prayers felt very real and heartfelt.

Needless to say, it was a very full four days. I don’t think I realized how draining it was until I got home. As soon as I stepped into the Abbey entrance, I was overcome by exhaustion. I crawled into bed for a nap straight away. Thankfully, much needed diversion and entertainment were quick to follow. My friend, Melissa, came for a visit from Ottawa the next day for the Victoria Day long weekend.

Always amusing, Melissa’s enthusiasm and spontaneity boosted my spirits instantly. Over the weekend we escape the city – day trips to Cobourg (yes, I go there quite often but I hadn’t really looked around – they have 2 British stores full of yummy treats!!) and Niagara-on-the-Lake (Whirlpool Jet Boat Tour, an unusual restaurant, and Cow’s, among other sites) and a trip to the Toronto Zoo (which crazily, doesn’t have elephants!). And, happily for me, Melissa was able to stay longer into the week so we had a chance to spend more time together than expected. It was great to catch up! I’ve missed her a lot since moving here.

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My next post will be on a guest we’ve had at the Abbey for the last week or so. Sr. Cyril Mooney, IBVM from Calcutta, India has been visiting us, and giving presentations on her work in Loreto schools in India. I attended one of her presentations today and will write about it tomorrow!

Words to live by

For the past couple of weeks I have been reflecting on self talk. Bolstered by my spiritual director, and armed with a book or two or on the topic, I have been trying to pay close attention to the self talk that arises in moments of stress. Some of it is so ingrained that it’s hard to pick up and to notice. Nonetheless, it has been obvious that I need to work on replacing the negative talk with positive talk. In a book titled Self Talk, Soul Talk by Jennifer Rothschild (a light, introductory book to the issue of self talk), I came across a list of affirming scriptural passages that have brought me much peace and joy. I thought I would share them here for anyone else who might find them helpful.

I am gifted with power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
I am chosen for success. (John 15:16)
I am complete. (Colossians 2:9-10)
I am secure. (Romans 8:31-39)
I am confident. (Philippians 1:6)
I am free. (Romans 6:16-18; 8:1-2)
I am capable. (Philippians (4:13)
I am spiritually alive. (Ephesians 2:5)
I am God’s workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)
I am welcome in God’s presence. (Ephesians 2:18; Hebrews 4:14-16)
I am sheltered and protected in God. (Colossians 3:3)
I am valuable to God. (1 Corinthians 6:20)
I am a member of God’s family. (Ephesians 2:19; 1 John 3:1-2)
I am God’s treasure. (1 Peter 2:9-10)
I am dearly loved. (Colossians 3:12)
I am being transformed. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am forgiven. (Ephesians 1:6-8)
I am an heir of God. (Romans 8:17)
I am a friend of God. (John 15:15)

Thinking of her

Today is the 12^th anniversary of my mom’s death. It’s hard to believe that 12 years have gone by. At times it feels like she was around just yesterday. And then, at other times, it feels like it has been waaaaaay longer than 12 years since I’ve seen her and heard her voice.

I still miss her a lot. I wish she were here in person to talk to. I miss listening to her tell stories (even if they were the same stories I’d heard so many times before). There is consolation in prayer, knowing that I can reach out to her and speak to her in my heart, but I do miss the bodily her.

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I’m an avid listener of CBC Radio 2 in the morning (it helps get me out of bed). One morning I heard a song by a PEI singer-songwriter named Jenn Grant that made me think of my mom (I think it was the reference to tiger lilies blowing in the wind). And then I found out that she wrote it after her mother died a few years ago. This is what she had to say about it:

“That song reminds me of my mom. A lot of this record [Compostela], because my mom died right before The Beautiful Wild came out….

Basically she passed away and I went to Spain. And it was a really hard trip because I was just crying all the time in Spain. And we’d go for dinner and I’d go to the bathroom, I’d be talking to my mom in the bathroom stall and balling my eyes out and stuff, and getting really bad sunburns. But she really wanted me to go there, in the hospital she kept saying to all the nurses, ‘My daughter’s going to Spain,’ I’d be like, ‘Oh my god I don’t want to go anywhere!’ But then I had the whole putting out of that last record and then touring it, and then more time on my own where all of this stuff was kind of percolating, and I dealt with my feelings and the experience and had the whole experience of losing someone that you love so much.”

http://music.cbc.ca/#!/blogs/2014/10/First-Play-Jenn-Grant-Compostela-plus-track-by-track-guide

So this song is for Jenn Grant’s mom, and for my mom too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvcOUpYEvBc

here and there

Original painting by Maria Steller

This week is a (mostly) quiet week – squashed between two ‘away’ weeks.

Last week I was in Ottawa. It was so wonderful to be back in the office with my coworkers and have the chance to work together in person rather than by email or over the phone. I also had to spend in the evenings with friends that I love and miss (check out the gorgeous painting created and given to me by the talented 5 year old Maria!) and spend time at my old parish. I had so much fun. I felt like I was on a high all week.

And yet, I was equally happy to come back to the Abbey and see the sisters here.

When I first moved to Toronto, I felt a real mix of excitement and apprehension. I didn’t know what I was getting into (still don’t, frankly) and I worried that I was making a huge mistake. Being back to Ottawa last week made me realize that as much as I love that city and the people in it, it really isn’t the place where I am meant to be right now. It felt so good to visit, but I know that God is calling me to something else. It was a true gift from God to recognize that I am at peace with my decision to be in Toronto, discerning this vocation.

Next week, I go to Southdown Institute for a candidate assessment (psychological assessment). Four days of learning about my personality, and my strengths and weaknesses (I hope there will be chocolate). I’m not really looking forward to it, but it’s part of the journey and could turn out to be yet another gift.

distracted, impatient, and restless

I have been feeling very distracted lately.

When I try to pray, either my own personal prayer, or the Liturgy of the Hours, or even at Mass, my mind struggles to stay focused. After a few brief quiet moments, my thoughts go off on a tangent and I get caught up in something unrelated to what I am trying to mediate on. I begin to notice whether I feel hot, cold, anxious, tired, energized, bored, alert, or restless. I’ve been feeling restless a lot.

Part of it may be a sort of spring fever feeling – I want to get up and move around and enjoy the sunshine whenever it’s out. I’ve taken up running again, and even though I’m sluggish and out of shape, it feels like such a gift to be outside and be alive.

But part of the restlessness is also related to what I am trying to pray about. I am still praying for healing. It’s hard. Even though, by the grace of God, I have made progress and I generally feel much lighter and freer than when I began, I know I still have a long way to go. My triggers still trigger anxiety and insecurity (confronting my negative self talk is on my current ‘To Do” list). And I feel impatient to just “be healed” once and for all and never have to worry again.

I met with my spiritual director yesterday and talked to her about this feeling of impatience. She laughed with me about it and could sympathize. As we talked, it became clear to me that God isn’t using the lightning rod method of healing with me because there’s more that I will learn from the slow and steady route. I think God wants to give me gifts that can only be received this way (even though it’s not my preferred route – instantaneous would be fine by me!). Perseverance is the key.

I desire so much to understand, really understand, what my life is about – what it is that I am called to do on this earth. It seems so hidden from me. Sometimes I feel like I am on the brink of understanding. I get a tiny glimmer, and a sliveriest bit of meaning, and then it’s gone and I am back to my usual restless self, sighing and impatient.

My candidacy director has given me a book about the Catholic faith to make sure I know the basics before beginning the novitiate next year (although frankly each sentence of ‘the basics’ is a world of theology unto itself). For someone who has gone to Mass quite regularly throughout her life, and went to Catholic school, I am realizing that there is a whole lot I don’t know about the Catholic faith. I was probably taught more than I recall, but I can’t seem to retrieve that information from my memory banks!

Happily, this means I’ve had plenty of “eureka!” moments as I have been reading. And no doubt this is helping me along the road to understanding myself better (and my restlessness), understanding Jesus (and God) better, and opening me up to understand what it is I am called to do in this life. These passages have been roaming around in my mind for the past few weeks:

“Again, let us remind ourselves, Jesus was not putting on an act, or doing something extra. He was merely acting as a creature should act. He was simply open to the ever-present gift of his Father’s love. He let it enter and empower his every thought, feeling, word and action. It was what kept him alive: ‘Doing the will of him who sent me…is my food’ (John 4:34).

But if Jesus is already the perfect loving child of the Father, why did he have to die?

Because giving up one’s life is the total gift. Anything else would be less than perfect. There is nothing greater to give than life.

So Jesus had to give up his life because there was no greater way he could show his love of the Father. He had to give up his life because anything else would have been a lesser gift, and he wanted to do the perfect human thing.

But there is another reason Jesus had to die. He came to a world lost in sin. How could he save the world? By showing it how God acts in the face of hatred. God refuses to be vindictive. He wants no pound of flesh. He wants only to forgive, to heal, to reconcile.”

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“No wonder we shy away from the cross. Our problem is not that it is painful, but that it is too great a sign of love. We do not love that way, and we are embarrassed when God does.

Our life of faith, it would seem, is a gradual coming to accept the unbelievable tenderness of God.”

– Leonard Foley, OFM. Believing in Jesus: A Popular Overview of the Catholic Faith.

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My mind has also been taken up with thoughts of seeing friends and coworkers when I am in Ottawa this week. I am really looking forward to spending time with people I love and miss.

Signs of Spring

I would like to thank the many people who have shared their support and gave me words of love and encouragement after my last post. I truly appreciate you journeying with me this year, and for supporting me. You all mean so much to me. Thank you.

Potted arrangements for spring

Last weekend my dad was here for a visit (Hi Dad!). It was so much fun to have him visit the Abbey, meet some of the sisters (they all told him he couldn’t be my father, he looks like my brother! – I think he was secretly thrilled even though he laughed it off ), and explore the city with me. Excellent father-daughter bonding time! And he didn’t even seem too nervous having me chauffeur him around the big city. (I’ve come quite a ways since our driving lesson days – as long as I don’t have to drive a standard, of course!) But his visit certainly did make this choice I am making more real to me. No longer am I welcoming family into my own home, but to the home of many other people. The visit had a different feel than when he would visit me in Ottawa, and I think it will take a bit of time to get used to the new scenario.

A splash of purple by the Abbey chapel

Spring has definitely come to Toronto in the past couple of weeks and I am enjoying every minute of it. Signs of spring abound. This past week has just been gorgeous. Beautiful sunny days and warm temperatures. I’ve been getting outside more often – exploring the neighbourhood (and making a mental note of cafes and restaurants I would like to try), and trying to get back into shape (running and tennis are back on the agenda!).

Red celery? No idea what this is. Do you know, Master Gardener Aunt? 🙂

The grounds around the Abbey are showing their own signs of spring. From the potted plants by the entrances and exits, to the wild flowers that spring up in the grasses, new life is taking over!

Hyacinth? They smell lovely, whatever they are!