Love, the driving force: a journey of discernment

Transformed by Love

This is a blog post I’ve wanted to write for a little while now but it has been a struggle to put the words on to paper, mostly because the topic is complicated and very personal. But since we have now come to the Easter season, the season where we celebrate redemption and Jesus’ resurrection, it seems fitting to share about the inner transformation I am experiencing.

During Lent, the 40-day period prior to Easter, Christians are called to a special time of prayer and reflection, to keenly seek out God’s presence. For me, the time of Lent was focused on a very specific purpose: healing. Particularly seeking the healing of old wounds caused by my mother’s alcoholism.

This process actually began before Lent, when I was reading a memoir by Gerard W. Hughes, SJ (author of God of Surprises, which I wrote about it an earlier post). One of the exercises in the memoir asks the reader to sit with God and to recall childhood memories and to simply note those that come to mind. Unexpectedly, I was flooded with memories of my mother and her struggle with alcoholism – some really terrible memories of being a child alone, struggling with trying to take care of her and take care of myself. The intensity of the emotions that accompanied those memories freaked me out. Why now? After all this time, why I am thinking of this? She has been dead for nearly 12 years. Isn’t it over and done with? I don’t want to deal with this.

But as I sat there, I realized that this was more than just a deluge of memories. It was an invitation to go beyond the initial pain and shock and to truly seek healing. Even though I hadn’t been expecting the invitation to come as it did, I felt in my heart that I couldn’t refuse it. After all, a large part of this candidacy year, the discernment that I am doing, involves looking at my life as a whole and seeing how God is present. I decided that even if I didn’t really want to delve into the abyss of the past, it was important to do so in order to be free to move forward with this next phase of my life.

As much as I had wanted to, I didn’t escape my mother’s alcoholism when I moved from Calgary to Ottawa after her death, and I didn’t escape it moving from Ottawa to Toronto. I realized that if I didn’t want it to keep following me around, I needed to address it. And I could trust that God would be with me no matter what.

But as I sat there in the chapel, I realized that I didn’t even know where to start. Although I have been to see counselors/therapists at different times in my life (for example, when I struggled with panic attacks a couple of years after I moved to Ottawa), the focus of those encounters had been on the immediate problems and we didn’t talk much about what happened during my childhood. So 12 years of living with an alcoholic mother basically flew under the radar. My first step then was to seek out more information about alcoholism and the effect it has on the family.

I went to the library and borrowed a whole stack of books and immersed myself in the world of Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACOAs, for short. This newfound knowledge was a real revelation for me. It was stunning. And brutally painful. I could see myself – my behaviours, beliefs, and coping mechanisms – so clearly in the ACOA response to trauma.

Need for control? Check.
Tendency towards hypervigilance? Check.
Fear of intimacy? Check.
Self doubt? Insecurity? Check. Check.
Need to please people? Check.

It was like having all kinds of scabs ripped open long after I had convinced myself that they were healed and no longer there. The more I read and identified with ACOAs, the more I began to wonder why God wanted me to do this. It was depressing, and I began to feel hopeless about it, wondering how I could possibly change anything that seemed to be so ingrained in me.

And so I prayed to God to let me know what I was supposed to do next. What am I supposed to do with this knowledge? It seems to be making things worse. I don’t feel like I have control over what I do. I keep reacting in the same ways over and over again. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to change.

In answer to my prayers, God showed me my strengths. God showed me how resilient I had been in times in crisis and confusion, when I had no control over my environment. And, best of all, God showed me that I hadn’t been alone during those dark and difficult moments. Jesus, the one I had prayed to when I was so scared and worried, had been there with me, all the time, at my side, and he knew exactly what had happened. Things that I had kept secret from others weren’t a secret from Jesus because he was there with me and with Mom.

Around this time, I went to see my spiritual director and talked to her about what I had been experiencing in prayer. As usual, she was incredible and told me exactly what I needed to hear. She encouraged me to continue to look at these painful memories and to seek healing in an active way. She gave me several prayer exercises to help with healing – beautiful imaginative prayer and even prayer through art. She gave me advice on forgiveness. She also talked about finding my voice. Often when people experience trauma, there is a great deal of shame attached to it and they are unable to express themselves. Alcoholism, in particular, seems to breed a lot of shame and secrecy, which is so detrimental to healing. Consequently, part of my prayer for healing has been to expose everything – beliefs, behaviours, memories, fears, and anxiety – everything – to God’s light.

Through prayer (and the ACOA books), I have come to understand that the behaviours and attitudes I adopted may have been necessary when I was a kid – they worked to keep me going in hard times – but they don’t work for me now. They are responses that I don’t need anymore to live my life fully and happily. I’ve also come to know that the negative beliefs about myself that I’ve been carrying around for a long time are simply not true. God has shown me how loved I am, and how loveable I am, no matter what may have been said or done to me during my life. God’s love is more powerful than any pain or worry or fear.

For Easter then, I would like to offer this message of hope: healing and transformation are possible. No matter how much time has passed or how deeply pain is buried, it can be transformed and made beautiful – redeemed by God’s love. Each day is an opportunity to give our wounds to God, to surrender them and let them go, and to be set free. Free to be healed and made whole and to be fully loved.

Happy Easter!

When calamity strikes

By nature, I’m a fairly conscientious person. I like to get things done. I make timetables and lists, and I check the “To Do’s” off as I finish them. I like itineraries. I guess what I really like is predictability and a sense of control.

I’ve noticed over the course of the last few months, however, that the more I try to order and schedule my life, maximize my time, and be the most efficient I can be, I end up getting knocked totally off course! Case in point: for the past couple of weeks, I had diligently spent time in prayer and reflection in order to prepare for our big Canadian Provincial meeting that was to take place at the end of March. It was my first time participating in such an event and I was really excited about it. I had my notes carefully prepared, and I was looking forward to sharing my thoughts with the sisters. But then last Wednesday, calamity struck!

15 sisters, 3 de la Salle brothers, and several of the staff at the Abbey came down with norovirus. The next day, 4 more people were hit (including me, which makes this illness #4 or #5 I’ve been stricken with since Christmastime – which, by the way, better not be indicative of my future in religious life!). By the weekend, only a handful of people had been spared. I’m happy to say that everyone is recovering well, but we did have to postpone the big meeting. I was disappointed. Even amid severe stomach cramps, I had hoped that somehow we could still make it happen.

Instead, I used the quiet time (immobilized on my bed) to read about Mary Ward’s companions. Since reading a few biographies of Mary Ward earlier in the year, I have been very curious about the lives of her first companions. Not much is known about these women other than what is revealed in correspondence and some of the Institute’s historical documents. These women were quite young (some joined as young as 15 years old!), adventurous, dedicated, and faithful. They endured severe poverty, illness, uncertainty, and persecution. They were put in charge of schools and the formation of novices, were put in positions of authority in foundations in foreign lands, and were required to make difficult decisions. They often went years without seeing Mary Ward, with only letter correspondence to stay in touch. Many of them died while still young (30 years old and younger). Yet they were faithful to Mary Ward’s vision, to their call to religious life, and to the community. They inspire me and I aspire to grow to be like them – to be steadfast and faithful (in sickness and in health!) and to be open and responsive to God’s working in my life.

And maybe, just maybe, to relinquish the “To Do” lists once in a while.

What a wonderful town!

New York, New York, it’s a wonderful town!
The Bronx is up and the Battery’s down
The people ride in a hole in the ground,
New York, New York, it’s a wonderful town!

I’m still riding the high from 4 glorious days in The Big Apple. What a city! It was everything I had hoped it would be and more. I met up with Sr. Cecilia O’Dwyer, who heads the IBVM NGO, and Sr. Elena Cerdeiras, who was visiting from the Spanish Province, and we explored the city together.

We spent an incredible day at the United Nations at the Commission on the Status of Women. We sat in on the General Assembly and listened to a number of countries give statements on women’s rights. We also attended the DPI (Department of Public Information) briefing on sustainable infrastructure and women’s empowerment. I had the opportunity to take a guided tour of the UN buildings as well and have the chance to peek in on meeting rooms like the Security Council and the Economic and Social Council. Since I studied International Relations in university, it was a real thrill to see the workings of the UN in person. We also went to a special 20th anniversary celebration event of the Working Group on Girls, a coalition of civil society organizations devoted to giving girls a voice at the UN. Hosted by a group of teenaged girls, we were entertained with a video presentation and then we heard the keynote speaker, Nobel Peace Prize winner Leymah Gbowee, speak about her work for girls in Liberia. It was an inspiring talk and wonderful to see young girls so passionate about human rights.

The rest of the weekend was a heady blur of sightseeing, delicious meals, and burgeoning friendship. We travelled up and down Manhattan and saw so many places that I had dreamed of seeing: the Cathedral of St. John the Divine, St. Patrick’s Basilica, the main branch of the New York Public Library, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Central Park, the 9/11 Memorial, the Washington Square Arch, the Brooklyn Bridge, the High Line Park, and more. And we got to walk through so many great neighbourhoods.

Plus, we visited an excellent exhibit on Thomas Merton at Columbia University. It felt so intimate to see his handwritten drafts of poems and manuscripts and letters to friends. Not to mention his paintings and photographs. The exhibit has rekindled my interest in his life and work – I’ll have to dust off my copies of his journals and get reading!

I really feel very privileged to have visited New York – such a unique and exciting city. It truly is a place where dreams can come true.

New York, New York

In two short sleeps, I will be making my way across the skies to New York City. I can’t wait! For years I have dreamed of visiting iconic New York. Home of television, movies, art, theatre, music – culture and cuisine and people – so many millions of people. I have longed to visit for such a long time and I always figured I would go when the time was right. And happily, the time is now!

I am flying out on Wednesday afternoon to arrive in time to attend a civil society briefing at the United Nations on Thursday morning. One of the IBVM sisters (an Irish woman who is part of the Spanish Province) heads the IBVM UN NGO and she has graciously arranged for me to visit the UN and learn about the work the IBVMs are doing. The timing is fantastic. Right now the UN is hosting the 59^th session of the Commission on the Status of Women (March 9 – 20) so there will be workshops and events to participate in and learn from. It’s going to be incredible. And I’ll take a tour of the UN itself.

I’m also hoping to do as much sightseeing as I can cram into a couple of days. I’m planning to go see the Thomas Merton Exhibit at Columbia University (I love Thomas Merton), and I have tickets to take a tour of Rockefeller Centre (would have loved to go on an NBC Studio Tour if it was up and running), and then I will just walk and walk and walk. And walk. And take in as much as I can.

Searching for Spring

March. At last.

I read in the paper this morning that February 2015 was the coldest February in Toronto since 1875. This is not the kind of winter I had been expecting when I moved here in the fall. I had prepared myself for “winter lite” compared to past years in Ottawa, thinking that I wouldn’t need those pairs of long underwear anymore. But, I guess, winter is winter, and a Canadian winter generally is cold.

This weekend, though, it warmed up considerably. Still below freezing, yesterday was washed in sunshine and blue skies. It was a day to believe that spring is around the corner. I went to Cobourg to meet with my spiritual director and took a walk afterward to enjoy the bright blue of Lake Ontario against the winter sky. Sadly, I didn’t bring my camera along to capture it.

Today feels cooler and the sky is overcast. But it’s March. Finally. And I’m convinced spring won’t be too long now in arriving. I went to Edwards Gardens this afternoon for a walk. I kept a lookout for any little buds or signs of new growth. As the pictures show, I’m a bit early looking for signs of spring. Still too much snow and ice on the ground. It’s hard to deny, though: hope is in the air.

I found the spring flowers…hiding inside where it’s warm!

Mary Ward’s charism

It has been a very peaceful and quiet week at the Abbey. Last Sunday, my friend, Fr. David Bellusci, OP came to Toronto to give the sisters their Lenten retreat. From Sunday evening until yesterday at lunch, there was a hush over the Abbey. I really enjoy silence and solitude so even though I wasn’t actively participating in the retreat (had to go to work), I still benefited from the quiet atmosphere. There was a definite sense of prayer and tranquility, which was a lovely way to begin the season of Lent.

*****

As mentioned in my last post, I wanted to write a bit about Mary Ward’s charism. For the last month or so, my candidacy director has been teaching me about the charism. I discovered that I had been totally wrong about what the charism is! Whenever anyone asked me about the community’s charism, I would always respond “Well, I think they are mostly a teaching order.” That, my friends, is not what the charism is! I guess that might be considered their apostolate (but don’t quote me on that either), or apostolic work. But it’s not the charism – whoops.

The charism, is, in fact, something much larger. Charism is a gift, a call to service and it is intended for the church (the people) rather than just for the individual or individuals in a community. Leading up to the full elaboration of the charism for her Institute, Mary Ward experienced three insights. The first was that she was not meant to join one of the established communities (Poor Clares, Benedictines, Carmelites) but something ‘other’ and this ‘other’ would give glory to God. Her second insight guided her in the structure of the Institute, and she was inspired to “take the same of the Society”, meaning that she was called to adopt the structure of the Society of Jesus (the Jesuits), something that had not been done by a female community before. Her final insight provided the fullness of the charism: that the spirituality of the Institute would nurture in its members an interior attitude of freedom (meaning the freedom to refer all to God, or find God in all things), justice (being redeemed or saved by God, made pleasing to him, surrendered to God), and truth (also referred to as integrity – a wholeness or unity between the interior and exterior of a person).

[From the IBVM Canada website: We look to Mary Ward’s vision of faith to inspire us and to enable us to understand our common vocation. We desire to foster that interior freedom of spirit, deep sense of justice, love for truth and cheerful attitude which she regarded as essential to fullness of life in her Institute.]

These insights occurred over the space of several years, which really seems to confirm Mary Ward’s trust in God and her patience and faithfulness in waiting for God’s direction. I think it also indicates that we are called to continual growth, and as our relationship with God matures and deepens, more is revealed to us. Mary Ward’s charism is beautiful and represents an ideal. I suspect it will take me a long time to grow into it. Real surrender, vulnerability, humility, and trust are involved, and I struggle with all of those things.

Happily, Lent provides an opportunity to be purposeful in prayer, to be present to God, and to examine those parts of myself that need to grow. I hope that all of my friends and family who observe/participate in Lent will feel renewed by God’s presence in their lives.

Happenings

I think I am giving in to the February blahs these days. I’m finding it hard to be motivated to write a blog post, even though there has been a lot going on.

I think I mentioned the Mary Ward celebration previously. As part of Mary Ward week, we celebrated a special Mass together on January 25^th. It was really beautiful. We all gathered in the Abbey chapel, which doesn’t happen too often. Many of the sisters from the infirmary joined us, which made it even more special, and all of the sisters renewed their vows. Afterwards we had a festive happy hour, naturally (and got to celebrate the 101^st birthday of our Sr. Herman!), and dinner.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a Mass for consecrated life at St. Paul’s Basilica with a number of the sisters. While the Cardinal gave a lovely homily, the Mass itself felt a bit flat. It didn’t have much of a celebratory feel to it at all (our Mary Ward celebration was much more enthusiastic!), which was a real shame. With all of the diversity and rich tradition found in the religious communities in the GTA, I thought it would be a lot peppier! Perhaps next year. After the Mass I attended a Mary Ward dinner at Loretto College, the women’s residence on the UofT campus. Since it was a formal occasion, the young women were all beautifully dressed (a few were wearing red carpet worthy gowns!) and the dinner was elegantly served (Greek food – yum!). One of the women read a brief biography of Mary Ward, and then we listened to music from the 17^th century while we ate. It was a lovely event and much livelier than the Mass!

I also recently had the opportunity to attend a panel discussion on consecrated life at Regis College. There were 4 speakers – 2 women religious (a Xaviere Sister, and a Sister from the Institute of the Incarnate Word) and 2 men religious (a Jesuit and a Spiritan) – who each gave a brief testimony about how they found joy in religious life. They were very inspiring. I was especially moved by the Xaviere Sister. The community live simply and are rooted in Ignatian spirituality, and in trying to find God in all things. They don’t wear habits, and work in whatever fields they have been trained in prior to entering the community. One sister in their community is an engineer, another is an investment banker. They bring their spirituality into the workforce with them which I think is fantastic. It’s a very hard thing to do these days.

I’ve got more to write but not so much motivation today. My candidacy director and I have been contemplating Mary Ward’s charism over our last few meetings together. There’s too much to say about it in this post here so I will try to write another one soon to share what I am learning. The sisters here are making a retreat next week, starting on Sunday. I’m sure that in the silence that will soon pervade the house I’ll find more time and energy to write!

Into the wild white yonder…

of Cobourg, Ontario.

Today I took a trip out to Cobourg to visit my spiritual director, Sr. Kathy O’Keefe, a sister of the Congregation of Sisters of St. Joseph in Canada. Every time I visit Sr. Kathy, I leave feeling so much lighter. Not that I arrived today with any heavy baggage or burdens to discuss. I feel very happy, comfortable and affirmed in my discernment to date. I truly feel that I am where God wants me to be, and living the life God is calling me to live.

Sr. Kathy has a real gift of listening and encouragement, and magnifies the positive. She helps me to see God at work in the everyday business of my life – the small moments at the Abbey and at work – and to recognize how God is confirming my vocation in these moments.

She is an obviously prayerful woman, with a deep connection to and love for God. At the same time, she is lighthearted and fun and a joyful person to speak to. I feel very blessed to have her as my spiritual guide through this journey.

After our visit, I walked along the lakefront and took in the snow and ice, and basked in the cool whiteness of it all.

the freedom to refer all to God

On Wednesday, we had an evening reflection entitled “Praying with our Experience”, facilitated by Sr. Margaret Kane, CSJ. As the first in a series of special community sessions for the Year of Consecrated Life, Sr. Margaret led us through a reflection on Mary Ward’s gift to the IBVM and to the world.

We were given a series of images of Mary Ward (posted below) to meditate on and questions to guide our reflection. It struck me as the sisters were sharing their reflections, how much they love Mary Ward, how she continues to inspire them, and how she has influenced their lives.

Many of the sisters talked about her courage, her determination, her resolve to follow God’s will no matter the opposition or obstacles she faced. The images show Mary Ward as a woman of vision, a woman who is grounded in the person of Jesus, a woman who was free to always move forward.

Sr. Margaret then talked about one of Mary Ward’s gifts to the IBVM community: the freedom to refer all to God. Much like St. Ignatius of Loyola, Mary was able to find God in all things – in her apostolic work as much as her contemplative prayer life. Her sense of freedom extended to her relationship with God, whom she called Parent of Parents and Friend of Friends. For Mary, God was at the centre of life.

Sr. Margaret encouraged us to be like Mary Ward and to pray using our daily experiences. Through the daily Examen prayer, we can look upon our day through God’s eyes, moved by the Holy Spirit to see God working in the stuff of our daily lives, and find the freedom to give all that we have to God.

Tomorrow we celebrate the Feast of Mary Ward (we have been celebrating Mary Ward week this week, beginning with Wednesday’s reflection, and school Masses on Friday, and culminating tomorrow). We will have a special Mass and community gathering to remember Mary Ward and reflect upon her life. I feel very happy to be here for this celebration and to witness the impact Mary Ward has had on the women I live with and the larger community in Toronto.

Sickness and healing

(Photo: Conversion on the sick-bed / by A. Chevalier Taylor, From the Votive Chapel at Wimbledon / http://www.heritage-history.com/?c=read&author=pollen&book=loyola&story=conversion)

I’m just getting over a bout of pneumonia. I came down with some kind of cold or flu on Boxing Day when I was in Calgary and it turned my Christmas vacation plans upside down. I ended up staying 5 days longer so that I could recover enough to travel. I was shocked, a few days after I returned to Toronto, to feel the symptoms return. I went to see a doctor and found out that the illness had developed into pneumonia.

Consequently, I spent the entirety of this past workweek at home in bed, recuperating. I can’t recall when I’ve ever been this sick. It was very discouraging. Generally, I am quite a healthy person and I felt like my body had betrayed me. I was worried because I had already missed time at work for being sick and stuck in Calgary and I felt anxious about taking even more time off. So it was not with joy that I took to my bed.

I received wonderful care from the sisters though. Sr. Marianna was my nursemaid for many days, bringing me tea and freshly squeezed orange juice, and making sure I was okay. I was offered a space in the infirmary if I felt I would recuperate better there (I chose to stay in my room to have easy access to my books). Meals were brought up to me. Kind words of encouragement were offered. On Thursday the nurse came to check on me and gave my lungs the all clear. I was so relieved. And grateful.

Today is the first day that I have actually had much energy, and it feels fantastic. Although I’m being mindful to not overdo things, it feels so good to follow a more normal routine today. I finally did my laundry! And sorted my mail! Things are looking up.

At first while I was sick and stuck in bed, I fixated on feeling awful. Every symptom took on an exaggerated quality and I couldn’t find any comfort. I couldn’t focus on anything to pass the time other than mindless tv watching and sporadic light reading. After a couple of days, I was able to focus and felt a desire to tackle some reading that was a bit more thoughtful. My candidacy director gave me a copy of St. Ignatius of Loyola’s autobiography shortly before Christmas. I had read it a couple of years ago when I first discovered Ignatian spirituality but I had forgotten a lot of the details. I spent a day delving into his account of his life and it reawoke my admiration for him and for his spirituality.

He was an incredible man – so self aware and observant. Holy, dedicated, always striving to know God’s will in a given moment. I love that he developed the Spiritual Exercises from his own intense attempts (and they were intense!) to understand God’s will and to know God deeply. He recorded all of his insights and developed a powerful set of prayer exercises to help one come to know God, discern God’s will, and to make decisions. I used the Exercises during my vocation discernment, and it led me to the freedom I needed to make the decision to apply to be a candidate with the Lorettos. Using his Examen prayer, I am able to look at my day more closely and see God’s presence. His method of scriptural contemplation helps me to see Jesus and talk to him as naturally as I do to my friends.

Anyway, as I read the autobiography, I recalled the First Principle and Foundation of the Exercises:

The human person is created to praise, reverence, and serve God Our Lord, and by doing so, to save his or her soul.

All other things on the face of the earth are created for human beings in order to help them pursue the end for which they are created.

It follows from this that one must use other created things, in so far as they help towards one’s end, and free oneself from them, in so far as they are obstacles to one’s end.

To do this, we need to make ourselves indifferent to all created things, provided the matter is subject to our free choice and there is no other prohibition.

Thus, as far as we are concerned, we should not want health more than illness, wealth more than poverty, fame more than disgrace, a long life more than a short one, and similarly for all the rest, but we should desire and choose only what helps us more towards the end for which we are created.

Of course, being sick, I was fixated on the part about not wanting health more than illness. I don’t like being sick. I hate being sick. It’s inconvenient, it’s uncomfortable, and sometimes it’s gross. But often a person doesn’t have much control over being sick, and that’s what I felt St. Ignatius was telling me in that moment. I am sick, I can’t force myself to not be sick, so I just have to be sick. And try to find God in this time of illness. This freed me up to be patient, to be sick and not grumble or feel anxious about it, to just be sick and be with God as I rode it out. A very different experience for this girl! (A big thanks to Iggy!)

*****

I expect to write another post about Mary Ward soon. When I finished the Ignatius autobiography, I started a new (to me) biography of Mary Ward. Reading is in progress. I’m sure I’ll have lots to share about her when I’m finished.